Through the looking glass

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Chances are it is quite different from what those looking from an outside perspective are seeing. For better or worse, we are not the most objective creatures on the planet. Whether too critical or overly inflated, our perception of our own self tends to vary from how others see us. This makes it all the more interesting when we find ourselves in relationships with people who share some of our same key qualities or quirks. When you look out through your own eyes and see yourself in another it has the potential to be a powerful and transformational force, again, for better or worse.

I've marveled at friendships I've had with people who share so many similarities with me, often wondering how we haven't managed to drive each other a little crazy over the years. I've found equal fascination with relationships I hold with people so dissimilar from me in pretty key areas, admiring how our differences serve to enhance each of our respective life experiences. Of course there are those relationships where the similarities or differences just seemed to be too great, too much somehow, for us to maintain a peaceful and lasting exchange. All these combinations are what makes the world go round. And to me none is quite so intriguing as the people we fall in love with and how this "looking glass" phenomena manifests within those relationships.

I gave quite a bit of attention to the differences between C. and I in my last post. I am definitely my own woman just as he is his own man. We have a plethora of dissimilar experiences and characteristics between us, yet we also have some really eery similarities. I'll focus right now on what some would consider the less desirable personality traits because it is there that the real work and the real benefit of such an intimate relationship are found. C. and I are both highly sensitive, super emotional and know how to use words with extremely pointed purpose. This may not sound like a list of awful characteristics on its surface, but when combined under just the right, or better, the wrong, circumstances, you have yourself a cocktail for one seriously explosive dynamic. We hurt easily, finding ourselves provoked at times by the slightest misstep, elevated tone of voice or unrealized expectation. And when that happens, hurt, and the fear it brings along with it, can wrap themselves up in anger, lashing out at the cause of the pain. Objectively, we both know this isn't particularly healthy, helpful or logical. We know that it really just brings more pain to everyone involved. Yet it is seeing this tendency in the other that seems to really be driving home for each of us just how much we need and want to sublimate it.

To see the man I love in any sort of pain is torture for me. So I start to really look at it, analyze it, dissect it every which way in hopes of understanding what is at play so I can help him not feel pain. In doing that, I simply cannot overlook that much of what I see happening within him happens within me as well. It is kind of unnerving really, in that it can make you wonder how you've gone so long with unhealthy patterns in your life and not quite known just how significant they were. In addition to loving the heck out of each other, sharing in all the joy and wonder that comes with soul connection, an intimate relationship like ours is also about supporting one another in becoming our very best self. We must first see ourselves clearly in order for that to happen, but since that can be easier said than done in certain instances, seeing ourselves reflected in the other is one of The Universe's clever little tricks for allowing the process of growth and self realization to unfold.

I feel such gratitude to be with someone as self aware as I am so we can share in this human experience together. Yes, it can be a little frustrating at first, and absolutely humbling, when you see the less-than-pretty parts of yourself held up right before your eyes in that proverbial mirror. But when you see them in someone you love, it helps you to love yourself a little more too, and to hopefully be a little more patient, compassionate and empathetic, both inwardly and outwardly. This really is one of the great rewards of our most sacred relationships, according to me anyway. So for all the reasons why I give thanks that C. is in my life, on the list is that he shares some of my negatives and that we get to help each other turn them into positives. I hope you can try to see things from this vantage point with the ones you love most, and be a little kinder toward both yourself and them in the spirit of being your best selves!

Our love runs deeper than skin

I didn't intend to fall in love, not in the traditional sense anyway. I'd been there and done that more than once. It had served its purpose, and I was really feeling like it was time for me to just be me, just do me, for a while. A little dating here and there? Sure. But a serious relationship? No, not really. That's what I thought anyway. That's what I said. And then there he was.

He wrote me a message that was so eloquent and soulful that I had to take notice. I had never met a man with such a mastery of words, and self proclaimed "word nerd" that I am, this immediately drew me in. He was deep, REALLY deep. But it wasn't just how he was saying things that caught my attention. It was the what. Consciousness, destiny, self realization, spirituality, meditation, life's purpose, soul connection. These are the things that he wrote of, and that we spoke of, since the moment we first came into one another's life. His words could have easily been my own, and mine his. It was as if we shared the same mind, and now I know that in many ways we do, just as we share the same heart.

But there are differences. His more introverted Scorpio ways to my extroverted Aquarius ones. My vegetarianism to his meat-loving. His preference for that "lived in" feel in our home to my preference for neat and tidy order. My wide social circle to his selectively curated one. His black skin to my white. Our love runs deeper than all of this. Our love runs deeper than skin.

I point out the difference in our skin color more so than any other area where we vary because after a few months spent as part of an interracial couple, I have come to understand, from an insider's perspective, that in some ways this is a really big deal. I'm stating the obvious by saying that it doesn't much matter to me what color my lover's skin is, seeing as how I am the white girl dating the black guy. But there is more to it than that. Being with C., I have begun to peel back the curtain to glimpse a culture, a world really, that exists all around me without my ever having really known it. He and I grew up a town apart, a grade apart in school here in south Florida. We both have powerful minds, love the ocean, have strong parental instincts and inclinations, get lost in our writing, are intense personalities and are fiercely loyal to the ones we love. We even share some of the less than pleasant traits, like being moody, temperamental and wanting things our way at times. Yet for all these similarities, for all the reasons why we believe whole-heartedly that we are tailor-made for one another, we cannot change that fact that we've grown up so differently, often see the world differently and are treated by the world differently, just because I'm that white girl and he's that black guy. It is a constant source of amazement to me, when we look at the same situation through the eyes of our varied perspectives and have the chance to learn from each other. And it is a constant source of amusement when other people's eyes linger a little too long or stare a little too hard, at the sight of us. It never struck me as a big deal to see a mixed-race couple, but apparently even in the year 2011 in the melting pot that is America, we're still something to take notice of in some people's estimation.

Let them look! I certainly intend to. As I look, I learn and I am inspired. I love seeing our skin contrasting against one another when our fingers interlace as we walk hand in hand. I love that for as classy, intelligent, articulate and gracious as C. is, he can turn on the street vibe effortlessly and seamlessly at any moment, adapting to just about any setting and any company we are in. I love that we constantly share things with the other that are new and unknown, whether it be the music we listened to growing up to a favorite food to a place around town that one of us knows and loves yet has been entirely off the other's radar, until now. I am blessed with this amazing love, this amazing man, this amazing experience of an exercise in cultural sensitivity right in my own home, literally. It is so incredible to me. Our love runs so much deeper than our skin, down through every cell and to our souls. And we have our differences, particularly our different skin colors, to thank in part for what makes our union so intriguing and interesting, so I embrace it all.

I suspect that many a post in this blog will be informed by the experience of my relationship, of all that I am witnessing, learning and becoming. I know for certain all my posts will be inspired by my love, because this love is so powerful, so all-pervading, that it truly does color my entire world and perspective on life. So join me for this journey, and feel free to share with me about your own. Blessings to you all.